An Imperfect Perfectionist

I am entering my third week of a new nutrition and workout regimen. It’s been strict but not overwhelming so far since I transitioned into it very slowly. I started out my cutting my FAVORITE things… potatoes and bread. Moment of silence for my taste buds. I loooove French fries and pretty much any kind of bread. *sigh* Ok back to the subject. I workout 4-5 times a week by going to the gym at 6am before work. I meal prep every few days and pack my lunchbox with my lunch and a few snacks as well.

Today I hit a wall when I went to the gym. Something wasn’t right. I’m not sure what it was. While the cardio wasn’t too difficult, the weightlifting was a STRUGGLE! Weight that I normally lift without an issue was extremely challenging. I couldn’t do my normal amount of reps. I questioned my form. I questioned my strength. It took me longer than usual to do a workout I have been killing as far as time. I felt like I was out of steam.

This afternoon I had a revelation. While that was a feeling that I didn’t like, I had to realize that it was not an identifying moment. Unfortunately, as a perfectionist I often measured myself by the things I completed and their level of excellence. My workout not being the greatest doesn’t mean that I’m not the greatest. (Because I am lol.) Seriously though, I had to separate the two ideas. I can have a bad workout and not be a bad person. Novel idea, huh? ALSO, I had to accept that having those moments are part of the journey. I won’t always feellike working out and every time won’t be amazing. And that’s ok.

It seems like such a juvenile concept, but it has been quite enlightening for me. I felt so much better about my human moment and felt encouraged to bounce back. I realized that I was the one holding the weight of me being perfect.

Fellow perfectionists, can you relate to falling apart for a millisecond when you are imperfect… also known as being human? Anyone else get me?

XOXO,

Ty

Accepting Displeasure

I must start by saying thank you to all of you guys for your support. Your comments, likes and shares have been so encouraging over the last couple of weeks. I was a bit nervous to be so transparent and take this step but I’m glad I did. I hope it makes you smile and helps you to realize you aren’t alone if you identify as a people pleaser and/or perfectionist. Whether you are a recovering or current one, you’ve found a safe space to be.

As a perfectionist and people pleaser, I have struggled with the thought of others being upset with me. Removing the cape has helped me to rip the Band-Aid off with this issue. (More for myself than for others.) See, my focus here isn’t to talk about other people being bothered. The focus is to talk about me being bothered THAT they were bothered even though I had a right to say “no.” Make sense?

As I thought about this topic I wondered where that came from. Where did I ever think it was wrong to give people an answer that would upset them. I realized that it wasn’t just one place. It was an avalanche of several things that were totally off in nature or in my interpretation of them. The child version of Ty who was taught to be a good helper had become the adult who always felt the need to oblige when someone asked me for help. Captain Obvious Moment: I don’t mean always assisting any and every random person who ever came my way. This is about helping others when placing myself in a position of lack, whether it’s mentally, physically, financially, spiritually or with my time. I started to realize I was not assigned to every person who ever requested something of me. That was hard for me to accept. I always thought it was only slightly acceptable to say no when it wasn’t possible for me to fulfill a request. (Let’s pause right here for a second. I also must deal with my ego and love of making the impossible possible and wearing the superwoman cape with pride. That’s a post for later. Ok, back to where we were.) Somewhere along the way I told myself that I was wrong if people were not happy with me. The more I ran that marathon, the more exhausted I found myself. I was depleted from trying to please others only to realize that it would be a never-ending battle.

That’s where the problem was. Why did I feel like it was a problem if people were upset with me? That took some soul searching and a little wedding planning. That’s right. Planning my October 2017 wedding was a huge step for me in “Sometimes You Just Have to Make Them Mad” University. The first course was “They Will Get Over It.” It seems so simple but as people pleasers we think our actions are cemented in the lives of others and become the focal point of their existence. I know that was dramatic and extra but you get my point. The course of planning the wedding helped me to become more comfortable with upsetting people. It was a crash course but one I desperately needed.

Can I anyone relate to that? Have you had your first course? Did you pass or did you have to repeat it several times like I did?

XOXO,

Ty

It Started with a Status

A few days ago I had a very vulnerable moment on social media. I shared a struggle that I had with not just being a perfectionist but being a people pleaser and how I’ve worked to move beyond those issues. I contemplated writing that post for days, even weeks. I was concerned about being misunderstood or it being taken the wrong way. My insecurities flooded my mind for a while but I finally let them go and hit “post.” I’ve reposted it below.

I’ve become less available for people who only use my number when they want something. The old me would complain about them later but oblige their requests. These days I reply if and when I want to and I say “No” more often. The reason is simple. I was so busy trying to make others happy or fulfill their needs of me that I was unhappy. I also convinced myself that I was the only one who could do what they needed. (What a lie!) Not anymore. I don’t care if people are upset. AND if I choose to take one of those calls, I keep it very basic. No need for pleasantries. Get to your point and hang up. I’ve wasted too much time trying to appease people at the expense of myself. No more.

I hope those who are like the old me learn to do the same. Taking care of your self first isn’t selfish but necessary. 

“No” needs no explanation. #selfcare

Whew! I began to get comments, text messages and DMs from people who shared the same struggle. They were able to see my heart. They understood what it’s like to sacrifice yourself for others. (Disclaimer: this isn’t about parents, caretakers or any situation like that.)

This is about people like me who are/were people pleasers and we always said yes to people. We were taught that “no” is a bad word. We felt like upsetting someone meant that we were wrong. We felt responsible for answering any and every issue that was brought to us. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and don’t feel like we have the right to ask for help with the weight. We feel like we must carry it with a smile and as if it’s like as a feather. We must always be present, on point and never retreat. We must always wear the cape. That superhero cape. The cape that hides our insecurities, fears, pains, exhaustion, depression and litany of issues. The cape that bears the emblem of perfection to others. The cape that makes everyone else smile as we cry alone in the car.

That cape. That’s the cape that I desire to remove in this space. I am not here to have all the answers, I am here simply to share my stories, successes and struggles. I’ve been running away from writing again for far too long. The perfectionist in me over-critiques my work to the point of paralysis. Here is my effort to fight it. Fighting perfectionism. Fighting people pleasing. Fighting insecurity. I hope you join me in this journey and just for a few moments, whether in the car, at the gym or while reading this blog, you remove your cape for a little while. Embrace the beauty in your humanity and imperfections as I try to do the same.

XOXO,
Ty